The frustration's fair, the caching is real. But "days" is the tell: propagation is minutes, an hour at worst. If you're waiting days, you're fighting client-side caching plus one behavior that never self-resolves no matter how long you wait.
The one that traps everyone: an action already placed in a flow stores its own snapshot of the connector's schema from the moment you added it. Updating the connector definition does not push changes back into actions sitting in existing flows, so that action shows the old shape forever. The fix is to delete the action and re-add it, which pulls the current definition. Given you're describing small field tweaks and error fixes, that's almost certainly your case.
For the rest: confirm you actually hit "Update connector" top-right on the Definition tab (not just Ctrl+S; "Publish all" is a separate, portability thing). Then close the designer and reopen in an InPrivate window or after a hard refresh, since the action list is session-cached. If a change still won't show, recreate the connection, as existing ones sometimes hold stale metadata. And rule out the obvious one: connectors are environment-scoped, so editing in one env while building in another gives exactly this symptom.
So the reliable loop is: make the change, hit Update connector, hard-refresh or InPrivate the designer, then delete and re-add the affected action. Turns "wait days and hope" into about two minutes.
Reference:
https://learn.microsoft.com/en-us/connectors/custom-connectors/. If it still won't budge after delete-and-re-add on a fresh session, that's the rare "metadata didn't publish" case, and export/re-import or recreating the connector clears it.